Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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