my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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