So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
