Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
