my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
