I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
