Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
