Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
not ubering you a puppy
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize