dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
