Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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