I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
