I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
dude. I can hear the air.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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