I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
