separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
