What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
