she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
