I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I still have a little drunk in my system
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
