If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
