I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
