we have pet lesbian snakes
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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