he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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