and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
