he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize