why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
