He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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