I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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