just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize