my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
