I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
