I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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