if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
