watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
