I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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