i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
