my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
