He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
