In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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