I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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