Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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