please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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