Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
