sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
