You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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