Just took my morning after pill in the library
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
