Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
