I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
