Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My feet surprised me
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
