you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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