Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
