you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
