as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
