Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
