Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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