Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
