when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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