bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
