today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
