i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
