I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
