I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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