Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
