Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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