I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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